Dear Shanai (I am, Always. Here. Now.)

Yes. 
I feel a deep sadness when I see your tears
Trickle down your cheeks,
Onto the fabric of your pillow
Or the sleeve of your sweater. 

Yes. 
I worry that you won't choose me
Because you cannot see me
Physically. 

Cannot hear me unless you filter out the noise. 

I see you toddle towards me
And fall
Countless times 
And wonder if this
Will be the last time you get back up with me in mind

Shanai. 

I don’t have nails to bite. 
And anxiety doesn’t exist in this realm. 
Because I know you will always be mine, 
And with me. 

Shanai,

I know there is no path you can take that will not lead you back to me 
And so I stay quiet in your moments of contemplation
Wondering if guidance is what you need. 
Or if I just need to let you realize me. 

Shanai,
I believe in you. 

And I’ve seen you live this life and so many more 
So many times

Images of you replay in my mind
And I watch it all on loop. 
Sometimes I adjust myself,
Viewing the screen in my mind from different angles

Up close 
And far away too

But you always see me. 

We’ve danced this dance so many times
You are my favorite movie
Moment and memory in time

yes. It pains me. To stand far away. 
Yes, I want you to see me see you always. 

But while I wait for you to see me,
Knowing that you will,
Eases me. 

Knowing that I exist all around you
And that we share flesh even if the flesh is not mine, 
You let me live in it
In this experience, with you. 

I don’t have to tell you I’m here, 
Because You are. 

And I am You. 

Shanai, 

You want to know how I keep myself from loving you in the ways that you ask. 
In the ways that are blatant and that you’ve road mapped?

But the truth is
I don’t. 

You are my beloved. 
And I give in to your beckonings and your cries. 
Your screams and pleas,
That twist and ache my heart 
And the spirit that I am. 

I hold your tears so close to me
That I allow the world you live in to shed them. 
I have a jar of your screams so potent
That I’ve allowed for you to receive me audibly

Shanai,

I call out your name
And the wind carries my words

Don’t you hear me?

I handcraft each snowflake 
Then ask the clouds to sprinkle them upon you
And display them around you
So you can look out and see how special you are to me

Don’t you See
My love for you?

Shanai,

Every time you fall, or falter
You get back up
In pursuance of me

Of Love 

That is why I don’t hold your hand.
You are my baby 
But I trust you. 

I am not hiding from you
I am anticipating when you’ll round the corner 
So I can jump out of the bushes and surprise you again

When you think you don’t know where you’re headed
You remember that I’ve left a trail of breadcrumbs inside you
In your hopes and dreams
Your wants and desires 
From birth 

Just to help you navigate your way through anything 
To anything 
To Me. 

Listen to you,
And you’ll realize it’s me talking. 

I couldn’t leave you in the dark if I tried. 

Shanai. 
You Are. My. Light.